What Do I REALLY Want?

I know I didn't treat my fifth grade teacher the way my students treat me sometimes.

Not that I was a perfect child. I mean, hey, we're all born with a sin nature, right? None of us are perfect. But I do know that I cared about my teacher. I wanted to please her. I wanted her to like me. And honestly, my desire to behave, to do the right thing, and to try hard went beyond my teacher. It went beyond wanting to please my parents and do well for them. I wanted to do well for me. I didn't want to do the wrong thing. I wanted to try hard and do the best I could at everything.

I wish those qualities were instilled in all my fifth graders, but, unfortunately, it's not. Intrinsic motivation? Can that be taught? I wish.

I'm learning a lot about myself, both good and bad. One thing I've learned is that it really flips my switch when I ask a student to do something or tell them not to do something, then they immediately do the opposite.

That happened this morning. I told the students of my frustration in a just-slightly raised voice, closed my eyes, and took a ten second moment of silence, because I needed to remind myself of what's important. Then I moved on, talking in my normal voice. That's that. Sometimes I think those ten second moments of silence have more effect on the kids than anything else. I usually see much improved behavior for a little while afterward.

Could it be that there is at least a slight feeling of care towards this teacher from every student? That would be lovely.

Tonight was Bible study night 2/3. We're working through Acts. The topic tonight ended on the question I posed in my blog post title. What do I want? Tomorrow. Next week. In my time until the coming of the Lord.

At least for the next three weeks, I want to enjoy these last days with my kids. I want to love them AND like them at the same time, because I'm not liking all of them right now. I want to get through each day without forcing myself to take a ten second timeout. I want to feel like there's a trust and respect there with the kids and like I don't have to work so hard to get just a minuscule amount of it.

Not all of my kids may have the intrinsic desires that I had as a fifth grader, but some of them do. That's great! I need to focus on appreciating them more. I also need to continue loving my kids who don't (even if I don't like their behaviors, attitudes, etc.) because that's what Jesus would do. He would love them regardless of the awful things that might come out of their mouths, out of their hearts. And I want to be more like Jesus!


P.S. Doesn't look like I've changed much since my fifth grade picture, does it?